I've Always Wanted Night Vision

There was a time God was asking me to walk in complete darkness.  I'm not talking about the kind of darkness that we associate to evil, but darkness that removes all ability to see with the eye, and requires us to become aware of things other than what we can (or can't) visually understand. That's where faith comes alive!

After homeschooling my children for 15 years, it was time to make a change, one that I wasn't that willing to make.  I had already fought it for 2 years. but because we were becoming more and more financially "in the hole", serious changes needed to take place.  I had to get a job.  And because I knew myself, I knew I wasn't able to work and homeschool successfully.  Another reason I fought it so long was that I found my identity in being a "homeschool mom"; that's WHO I was.  How could I give up?  That meant failure in my eyes and giving up my "swim against the stream" temperment.  I finally relented, and that's when I began my journey through total darkness.

Imagine, in your experience. when faced with a sudden blackout, what do you do?  Panic?  Reach for the nearest thing to get your bearings so you can understand where you are?  Perhaps you don't know where you are, you're standing in an unfamiliar room and you could endanger yourself by even walking forward.  That's how I felt.  All my senses went into panic mode as I realized I was in a new and scary place.  I had to get all my years of paperwork in order --and I'm terrible with paperwork, call the school, trust strangers to care about my kids' education --and worry that I did an acceptable job in their eyes, and then find a job --and we know how stressful that can be on its own.  All of this, and more, was overwhelming me to the point where I wanted to shut down and give up.  But I knew if I gave up today, tomorrow we could lose everything; and so my middle name "procrastination" had to be changed.

God gave me a vision of myself in panic mode, reaching out in the darkness, my hands flailing about for something to grasp, my eyes wide open straining for something to see.  Then I sensed His voice, "Be still", and I strangely felt comforted.  As I stood in peace, I knew the Lord was intending to get me through that dark room, but I had listen.  As He directed me step by step, revealing only one movement at a time, I was able to get beyond the obstacles that trapped me from moving forward.  In reality, each day came with a different focus; I would inquire of the Lord and He would direct my step.  One day was finishing the grades and recording them, another was making phone calls, one day I simply just focused on laundry, and then a whole day was devoted to job searching.  Where I failed to see that I didn't have to do everything in one day, God broke it down for me day by day, step by step, so I could get through my "darkness".

Sometimes God must get us into a place where we cannot see, so we will listen with more intention. Its our human nature when we see obstacles in front of us to move in our own understanding or get so overwhelmed that we give up.  He is good to us to only reveal portions of life at a time; we couldn't manage it all at once, we may even deny ourselves the opportunity for great fullfillment because our limited vision has decided something is too impossible.  I encourage you to let God lead you into total darkness, because He will light your path to see things you could never see with your eyes wide open.